I can do that, I just can’t do that right now.
“Not right now” has been the last 8 years. Wondering if there will ever be another, “Yes, I can do that!” Or, has the ship sailed on the rest of my yesses?
Recently I turned 65 chronologically, and my body turned 110. I did not plan it this way. Generally losing patience waiting for the day I can get out of bed, get dressed, and go somewhere where I’m needed or at least welcome. I just can’t do that right now. Right now I can get from the bed to the couch where I lay on a heating pad or ice for 2 to 3 hours and then go through every mental exercise to give me the energy and the gumption to sit up.
The thing is, I don’t know if NOW will ever happen again because my body is now 110 years old as a result of EDS, Lyme, 36 other diseases/syndromes/failing body parts due not only to my genetic broken line, but, also, because in trying NOT to give in to how I’ve felt since I was born, I became reckless in my pursuit of strength: Downhill skiing, tree climbing, dancing hard for 40 years and doing all with a reckless sense of ambition. Plus, I’m clumsy with a depth perception problem.
Hence: concussions, 5 broken noses, ripping off shoulder blades and many broken spine parts from falling down stairs, running into errantly positioned polls, furniture, walls and failing off curbs I didn’t see.
The time has come, I think, to sing Memory from Cats with authority.
But in the meantime, I’m on the couch on my heating pad, trying just to believe that every day is one day closer to healing. “I am healing” is what I’ve been instructed to think and say about my current activity. It helps, but only for a while, and then I dive back down into the cushions of my couch berating myself with words I would never say to another human being.
For more on EDS: Living With EDS